Perfection Glass

I feel like I went from being a little kid to being thrown and forced into adult hood. For years I felt like I had to be perfect. Don’t mess up. Don’t trip up. Be Perfect. Constantly, I felt the need to bury any imperfection or emotions I had. My voice was nothing but a mere interruption in others’ plans and vision for my life. Any time I didn’t perform exactly to the “T” of their plan, I let them down, they were disappointed or ashamed of me and I was a disappointment.

My mind never let a day go by where it didn’t speak the following to me:

“No one loves an imperfect person. People don’t love brokenness, they love perfection and you are broken. You will never be able to love someone and they will never be able to love you until you first fix yourself and your imperfections. Boy, do you have a lot to fix inside and out! Look at you. Now think about yourself internally. You are so broken and damaged, it’s impossible to fix you. BURY IT ALL. You have a reputation to uphold and your brokenness is unacceptable. You will be rejected and an outcast if you break the PERFECTION GLASS in which people see you through. Oops too late. Your perfection glass has cracks. Hurry fix it! Make sure people don’t see your flaws. Remember, people loving you, liking you, approving of you it’s all on the line. Don’t Mess Up. You are expected to do everything right and if you don’t YOU ARE A FAILURE. Keep in mind others’ expectations, they are what matter. To mess up is to be rejected. To shatter the GLASS is to be rejected. Conceal your heart into the deepest corner because it’s so broken. Nobody wants to see that, hear that, love that. People don’t want to love you; they want to love your PERFECTION GLASS. You are a young immature child and nobody wants to hear you, your opinion, or anything you have to say. So shut up. Perform inside the realm of the PERFECTION GLASS, shut up and don’t mess up. What don’t you understand about that? Gosh you really are stupid!”

My heart longed to just be a teenager. Do dumb teenager things. Live like all the other teenagers. But that didn’t fit within others’ expectations and standards for me. My whole life I’ve strived to please everyone, but when will I be good enough. Others say “Oh please, you’ve lived a very full life as a teenager.” To them I have because I’ve done it all within their cookie cutter mold for me, my life, and my dreams. I’ve done it all inside the walls of the PERFECTION GLASS. I slipped a little outside the mold once and my heart had to suffer. People made it very clear that I cracked the PERFECTION GLASS and turned on me. Some say I’m presumptuous, but after seeking people’s approval all my life, I know the look and tone of disapproval. The sad part is I know it all too well. So here I am still hearing my mind’s story while striving to keep the PERFECTION GLASS looking spotless. Congratulations everyone, the forever damage is done although you’ll never see it. I will never get to be a normal teenager. Never live some childhood dreams of what it’s like to be a teenager. Never experience what’s supposed to be the greatest time of my life because I spent it all being squeezed inside the PERFECTION GLASS. The saddest part is I never even got the chance. I officially went for little child to adult. Who cares, but yet why would anyone care?

But hey, at least you have your PERFECTION GLASS. 

Sincerely,

PERFECTION GLASS

(a prisoner)