Push Away
I push people away in an attempt to save them. My reaction to negative things in my life is to bottle them in and bury them and put on a brave face and act like nothing’s wrong. I do that so much that eventually I burst. When I explode it gets really ugly really quick. No one is safe once I’ve reached my limit. After months and months of bottling in my emotions, thoughts, pain, terror, and fears I finally can’t handle it and I break down. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done for me, there’s no stopping the explosion once it’s started. (P.S. The best thing to do when I explode is to just let it run its 5 minute coarse and not take anything I say in that short time frame personal.) I mean, I can make a grown man cry with the words that fly like sharp arrows out of my mouth in a time like this. Anytime someone’s tried to “doctor” or “fix” the problem or me it just drags out the explosion time. Telling me its “all gonna be alright” just flames the fire and saying anything negative about me in these times could open a whole other situation that should be avoided at all costs. Months of being pulled in so many different directions, people bulling me, negativity thrown at me at a whim could all be bottled and pushed down inside of me and you, an innocent person, could do something so small but it just might be the thing that throws me overboard.
Now you may wonder “why do you feel so comfortable saying all this about yourself?” Well, because I can look in the mirror and point out my own faults and not just that of others and I’ll be the first one to tell you my faults if you ask. I also want others to know why I push people away at times. It’s for their own safety, not everyone could handle the flaming arrows I throw in times like this and take them with a grain of salt. Those who can recognize why what’s happening is unfolding still can’t always take it. I’m not proud of it but I’m not ashamed either, it’s who I’ve been for years. I’m a work in progress and I recognize it. If you truly love someone, you don’t pick and choose what parts you love and which ones you don’t, you love him or her in their entirety, flaws and all. This is who I am currently, love me or don’t. Just know if I’m pushing you away at a certain time it’s because I’m trying to protect you.
Sincerely,
A pusher
